People always tell me that I will feel better if I talk to people about my problems, I might do that if I had someone to share my innermost feelings with. I feel like I'm living a lie, Whether it's lying to my friends by telling them that I'm okay and that I'm happy, or it's Lying to my family by putting on a smile when they come to visit, or it's lying to him by telling him "I don't care," or it's lying to myself by telling myself that I don't need anyone, that I'll be fine if I stick it out alone.
People always accuse me of things that I do not do (i.e. Stealing.) I hate it when people do that. My friends think I'm a fake. And I'm nothing to my family but a Joke. I sometimes do have thoughts of killing myself, but then I realize how selfish it would be. I keep telling myself that everything will get better and so far, it's only gotten worse.
People always say that when the right guy comes along I'll know it, well, no one knows that he already has. So yeah, The only one that I truly love hardly even knows me or that I even exist. I wish I could just scream it out to the world, but I can't because no one will accept me. I wish I could just show up at school one day and be like, "Yeah people, This is the real me, deal with it!"
I don't wanna lie to everyone about how I feel. I want people to know the real me but I fear for how they will react. I want him to know how I feel. I want to venture out of my protective shell. And I want to prove myself to the world..
People say that to cry is to admit that you're alive, I do not feel like that, for me, To cry is to feel more dead than ever, to feel defeated, small, unwanted, and unaccepted for who I am. Sure, sometimes crying makes me feel better but it does not relieve the feeling of emptiness that never goes away, it will never fill the void that is my heart, for no one is willing to accept it, thus my heart belongs to no one.