Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses

 

 

 

( Monday, May 15th )

 

Take you Higher.

The story of a young girl.

 

 

 

( Sunday, May 14th )

 

 

My one heart felt too much from the start. seeing people come and go living large and living low. You can build up your walls sitting on death row. let the curtain fall on your murdered soul. you can wash it all down, swallow your story, get smacked off your head, go down in drumroll glory. Won't solve it commiting self-inflicted crimes. Go on pull the trigger, this'll be the last time.

I've been crying for two hours and I just need Aiden here ujt my computers being a jerkoff :(, The tears won't quit, my eyes burn and so does my heart. I feel as though I can't breathe at times, and All I need is a friend loves me but that's not gonna happen.

This is my breakdown.

I've finally snapped....

I just had the wierdest dream....



His Favorite Mistake
By Cammy Riley


The kiss was over as soon as it had begun, but as she pulled away, he could see the ever-so-familiar look of embarrassment grace her features. Well, he thought, why wouldn’t she be embarrassed? She had just kissed him. Sure, he always thought that eventually he would get that first kiss, But never in a million years did he think he would be kissed by , of all the girls in the world, the fourteen year old standing before him.

He looked down at her with a look of confusion.  She had always made it so clear that she hated him, and that she only talked to him because she was bored or there was no one else to talk to. But then today, she began talking to him about how he was a virgin.. Ugh…he really didn’t need to be reminded that he was a twenty-two year old virgin. Sure, he hadn’t quite figured out how she knew so much about him and he knew barely anything about her, But it’s not like any of that mattered now.

But whatever. He needed to focus at the problem at hand. Sure he might have forgotten what was really happening for the slightest moment. So what if for the moment, he had given in the kiss? So what if he almost kissed her back? It’s not like it was a crime for her to kiss him. So what? It was only for the moment.

As they stood there, staring at each other, both of them waiting for something different, he began reflecting on himself and how he had never had a girlfriend, or how he was a virgin, or how he doesn’t have a car because he spends to much of his money on Video Games or whatnot. But then it suddenly hit him like a 4x4 to the face, she was still waiting for a response. But when she didn’t get one she decided to say something.

“umm.. Sorry. That was.. I um..” she started.

So what if it was illegal? He probably wouldn’t get this chance again anytime soon. It’s not like anyone would ever know. So why not.

“Yeah, I’m.. gonna go..” she said as she turned to walk away.

Just go for it. Screw the age difference.

He grabbed her wrist, turned her around and leaned down to kiss her..

               People say that to cry is to admit that you're alive, I do not feel like that, for me, To cry is to feel more dead than ever, to feel defeated, small, unwanted, and unaccepted for who I am. Sure, sometimes crying makes me feel better but it does not relieve the feeling of emptiness that never goes away, it will never fill the void that is my heart, for no one is willing to accept it, thus my heart belongs to no one.

               People always tell me that I will feel better if I talk to people about my problems, I might do that if I had someone to share my innermost feelings with. I feel like I'm living a lie, Whether it's lying to my friends by telling them that I'm okay and that I'm happy, or it's Lying to my family by putting on a smile when they come to visit, or it's lying to him by telling him "I don't care," or it's lying to myself by telling myself that I don't need anyone, that I'll be fine if I stick it out alone.

               People always accuse me of things that I do not do (i.e. Stealing.) I hate it when people do that. My friends think I'm a fake. And I'm nothing to my family but a Joke. I sometimes do have thoughts of killing myself, but then I realize how selfish it would be. I keep telling myself that everything will get better and so far, it's only gotten worse.
       
              People always say that when the right guy comes along I'll know it, well, no one knows that he already has. So yeah, The only one that I truly love hardly even knows me or that I even exist.  I wish I could just scream it out to the world, but I can't because no one will accept me. I wish I could just show up at school one day and be like, "Yeah people, This is the real me, deal with it!"

             I don't wanna lie to everyone about how I feel. I want people to know the real me but I fear for how they will react. I want him to know how I feel. I want to venture out of my protective shell.  And I want to prove myself to the world..

              

I can't believe I ever really liked this guy Kris (some annoying guy I knew).. I mean, he's such a douche! I don't even talk to him anymore.. He's such a fag. besides I love someone else now...

JACK BARAKAT of All Time Low!!!! He's so hot and funny, annnndd he's a guitarist!

..hmm.. come to think of it, All (or at least a great majority) of the guys I find hot or moderatly attractive or Guitarists... weird..

hmm.. let's see.. Jack, Zacky, Syn, Eero, Linde, Tyler, Frank.. Nathan.. weird..